Help Not Wanted
by morshon
Summary: Regina doesn't want or need Snow's help in wooing Emma. She gets it anyway.


"I'm going to have to help her." Snow said, glancing across the diner where Regina was talking to Emma.

"Her who?" David asked, shoving the last bite of his breakfast in his mouth, his eyes following Snow's gaze.

"Regina. I mean just look at her. She's terrible at flirting." Her head shaking slightly as she watched the former Queen unsuccessfully wink at Emma.

"Terrible at flirting? Are we talking about the same Regina? She practically oozes sex…I should not have said that out loud to you…" David trailed off, hoping Snow didn't hear him.

Snow stared at him, blinking owlishly a few times before shaking off the comment with a small smirk that said he'd be paying for it later. "Regina is excellent at seduction when it gets her somewhere or something—not when it matters, like _really _matters. She's never had to work for it and Emma has no clue about Regina's feelings for her. If we wait for them to work it out on their own we'll never have any more grandchildren."

"Grandchildren?" David asked, completely confused by the trajectory of their conversation.

"See? This is why I have to help. Our daughter gets it from you." At David's blank look Snow continued slowly, sounding out each word for emphasis. "I have to help Regina and Emma get together."

"There is no way I see this going well." David said, comprehension finally finding him.

"I should be fairly simple—we just have to make it obvious they both feel the same way about each other. Maybe I can use Regina's jealous streak…or Emma's protective streak…"

"There is definitely no way this is going to go well." David said again, his words falling on deaf ears as his wife bulldozed ahead.

"The question is whether or not to let Regina know that I'm helping her?" Snow said, talking more to herself then her husband.

"Do not tell her." David said, knowing Regina would not want Snow interfering.

"I'm going to tell her." She said, continuing the conversation mostly with herself. "She hates secrets."

"She hates you _blabbing_ her secrets." David corrected, shaking his head a little. "I'm pretty sure that this is exactly that."

"No it's not. She hasn't actually told me that she's in love with Emma so it's not a secret. It would be a _secret_ if I didn't tell her what I was doing."

"I think Henry would call it an operation, but whatever makes you feel better. I'm going to head in to the station. I don't want either of them thinking I had any part of this." He leaned across the table and gave Snow a quick peck on the lips.

"Chicken." Snow said with a smile. "I'll bet Ruby will help me."

"I'm sure she will. You both are crazy."

As David left Snow's gaze drifted back to Regina, watching as she purposefully knocked her purse to the floor. Emma immediately jumped up to pick it up for her and didn't notice Regina had already bent over to grab it as well. When their heads knocked together, her eyes searched for Ruby's behind the counter while the two women awkwardly apologized to each other.

Snow was still watching as Emma backed her way out of the diner, apologizing again to Regina, when Ruby plopped down in the booth across from her.

"We have _got_ to help them. I mean seriously…" Ruby said, sighing dramatically.

"I know. I think I have an idea." Snow smiled widely at Ruby before calling out to Regina. "Do you have a minute Regina?"

The brunette shook herself a little and turned her attention towards them. "What is it?"

"I can help you." Snow said simply.

Regina glanced to Ruby quickly, her eyes asking a silent question. When Ruby just lifted one shoulder in a half shrug she turned her attention back to Snow. "With what exactly?"

"With Emma." Snow said, keeping her answer short.

Again Regina glanced at Ruby and this time she received a small, triumphant smirk cast her way. "And what exactly would I be needing help with concerning Emma?" Her tone sounding bored and uninterested when in reality she was everything but.

This time it was Ruby her answered. "Cut the crap Regina. We all know you're in love with Emma. Emma's in love with you too. We just want to help."

Regina looked as if she was going to refute the claim, but as she surveyed the two women she decided that maybe it was time to cut her losses. Not wanting to give in too easily though she protested once more. "I have everything perfectly under control."

She jumped slightly when Ruby and Snow both let out loud, obnoxious snorts and she shot them both glares before sliding into the booth next to Ruby. "I would appreciate it if the two of you would quiet down please. I don't need the entire town gossiping about my personal life."

Ruby mumbled under her breath that they already were, but Snow spoke up over her. "If that," Snow waved her hand in the direction of the purse incident, "was you having everything under control then you really do need our help."

"Yeah, what was that anyway?" Ruby asked.

"My purse fell off the counter." Regain answered quickly, her face blushing slightly.

"Nooo…try again…." Ruby countered.

After a few beats of terse silence Regina's shoulders slumped in defeat and she said softly, "I thought it would give her a nice view of my…assets…if I picked it up in front of her. I didn't think she'd jump up so quickly to get it for me." Regina's hand went to her forehead, unconsciously rubbing the spot where their heads had collided.

Ruby's only response was a shake of her head, afraid that if she tried to say anything she'd only dissolve into a fit of laughter at the look on Regina's face. A look of confusion, anger, and embarrassment all rolled into one.

"Regina, her _noticing_ you definitely is _not_ where you need help. She's been _noticing_ you since she first came to town." Snow made quotes in the air to emphasize her word choice, unwilling to say out loud her daughter checked out her former mother-in-law every chance she got. "You need help getting her to make an actual move on you, that is if you aren't going to just man up and do it first."

"Man up?" Regina's eyebrow quirked up.

"Woman up, whatever you want to call it. Are you going to? No, never mind I know the answer to that question. Although you understand that she wouldn't reject you if that's what you're worried about?" Snow's look made Regina want to run from the diner and never set foot in it again. She almost couldn't take the look of pity coming from the other woman. She also couldn't believe she was at a point where she was willing to let Snow try and help her.

After another few beats of silence Regina sat up a little straighter, jutting her chin out in defiance, her body language projecting the opposite of what she was actually feeling. Internally she was wincing, embarrassed at how quickly she was caving. "What do you have in mind?"

This time Snow glanced at Ruby before answering. With a small smile she said, "You're going to go on a date with Ruby."

"WHAT?" Ruby squawked at the same time Regina forced the same word through clenched teeth.

"It's simple. Of anyone in town Ruby will make Emma the most jealous. She'll have to do something about it and then you two can finally just admit things to each other, get married and have some more grandbabies for me. Everyone wins."

"Except me, because Emma will kill me. Like really hard. Like actually murder me for going out with her girl. This is a really bad plan." Ruby was shaking her head, looking to Regina to back her up.

Regina's eyes were wide, looking back and forth between Ruby and Snow for a few moments before finally speaking. "I think it will work."

"WHAT?" This time it was Snow and Ruby's turn to screech in disbelief.

"It's a simple plan and…I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud, but I think you're right Snow. My attempts have obviously not been working so this maybe what Emma needs to make a move. Or at least react so poorly to the situation she'll be forced to admit her feelings and we'll kiss and live happily ever after…" Regina trailed off, the last part of her speech said quietly, more to herself then to the other two women in the booth with her.

"So it's settled. You two are going on a date and I will start spreading the word." Snow clapped her hands together, excitement radiating off of her.

"Of course you will." Regina growled, a small glint in her eye the only outward sign she was teasing the other woman.

"Of course I will." Snow said, punctuating the sentence with a single nod of her head.

SQSQSQSQSQSQSQSQ

"She what?" Snow asked, sure that maybe there was a bad connection and she'd misheard what Regina said.

"She offered to watch Henry. Your spawn waltzed into my office this morning and had the audacity to offer up her babysitting services so that I could and I quote "Go find my happiness." I thought this was going to work." Regina huffed.

"And she knows the date is with Ruby?" Snow asked, scrambling for an explanation for her daughter's odd reaction.

"Yes, she said she heard it through the rumor mill and thought it was great I was getting back out there."

"What did you say?"

"I accepted her offer of course. I couldn't very well admit the entire thing was a sham, could I? This is what I get for agreeing to let you help." Regina's voice clearly conveyed her anger and frustration at Snow and the situation.

"Well, maybe when you actually follow through with the date Emma will realize she's jealous and things will work out?" Snow replied, the words sounding tight and clumsy to her own ears.

A quick mumble of curses was the last thing Snow heard before the dial tone buzzed in her ear. Shaking her head as she hung the phone, she hoped that Emma would come to her senses without any further meddling on her part.

SQSQSQSQSQ

Ruby had been emphatic that she pick Regina up, insisting that actually seeing them leave together would spark something from Emma. Instead all they got was an awkward scene-Regina and Ruby both doing their best to stall actually leaving the house-Emma and Henry ending up ushering them out of the house and a certain blonde whispering "Go get 'em tiger" in her ear.

When they were both finally settled in Ruby's car, Ruby found herself under attack. "You're best friend is an imbecile! And I'm in love with her. Which makes me….this is all Snow's fault!" Regina growled.

Ruby didn't say anything for a few moments, deciding that there was only one good way to survive the evening. "If it helps—you look really hot."

It worked. Regina visibly softened at the compliment. "Thank you. I didn't do it for you though, obviously, this was supposed to help your idiot friend come to her senses."

Ruby pulled away from the curb, deciding they might as well go through with the rest of the sham date and nodded her head. "She still might…maybe when we get back she'll have stewed about it long enough…"

Regina snorted, a very unladylike sound coming from her. "Doubtful. Henry was planning on challenging her to a Mario Cart tournament and when those two are playing, well—let's just say she won't be stewing about much tonight." Regina sighed heavily, the reality that Emma may not feel the same way about her settling into the pit of her stomach, a heavy, hopeless feeling that made her want to curl into herself and never come up for air.

Ruby noticed the change in her passenger and reached out to pat her on the leg. "If she doesn't say anything tonight I'll take one for the team and call her out in front of you tomorrow at the diner? How's that sound? Then it will all be out in the open and she'll eventually get over being pissed at me once she's happily in coupledom with you."

Regina looked over at Ruby, grateful for the woman's attempt to buoy her mood a little. With a nod of her head she agreed. "Let's get this date over with then."

SQSQSQSQSQ

Later that evening when Ruby dropped her off, Regina was surprised to find the house dark, no sign that Emma or Henry were still up. It wasn't unusual for Emma to find her way to the guest room on nights she was at the mansion late, but Regina felt a keen since of disappointment that the blonde hadn't bothered to even stay up until she got home.

She shut the front door as quietly as possible, letting her head fall against it, shoulders sagging from defeat.

"I've got to say I'm a little disappointed." A voice called out from behind her, startling her out of her small pity party. Her hand flew to her chest as she whirled around to find Emma sitting on the steps, hands clasped together casually on her knees.

Regina narrowed her eyes at the blonde, her anger rising quickly. "At what? The fact that your little friend didn't score? Or that I didn't stay out later? Or….Or…." She trailed off as Emma started to approach her, palms up in a show of peace, her eyes shining with humor and if Regina wasn't mistaken a little bit of something else. The look gave her enough pause that her rant slowed and Emma was now just a breath away from her. She froze.

"I'm disappointed," Emma drew the word out and slid her hands around Regina's waist, "that the three of you couldn't come up with a better plan then to make me jealous with a simple date…"

Regina tried to pull back, escape the only thing on her mind now that her secret was out, but Emma's grip only tightened around her, pulling her in closer. "Snow could have at least convinced you guys to make out in front of me or something. This was all very…what's that word you like so much? Pedestrian." Before Regina could respond Emma closed the gap between them and kissed her softly, their lips lingering together a beat longer then the kiss actually lasted.

Regina slid her hands up into golden locks, tangling her fingers in the silky curls at the base of Emma's neck and looked deep into her eyes. "I hate you."

Emma just laughed and kissed her again, this time a little more solidly and a little less sweet. "No you don't." She said as she moved away from Regina's mouth and continued a trail of kisses down the length of the brunette's neck.

"How did you know?" Regina asked, still unwilling to let the subject drop despite Emma's efforts at distracting her. A little nip to her shoulder made her knees go weak, only to have Emma's arms yank her body in tighter against her.

Emma pulled up a little, leaning her head back just enough to look Regina in the eye without loosing the feel of her against her. "I came back in the diner yesterday morning, determined to be up front with you and ask you out. The three of you were so deep in your little planning session though you didn't notice me sitting back down in the booth behind you." Emma said chuckling a little at Regina's half-assed attempt to shove her away.

"I should send you home for making me go on a date with someone else." Regina finally said, the hopelessness from earlier in the evening disappearing the longer she stood there in Emma's arms.

"You should. But you won't…" Emma detached herself, intertwining one hand with Regina's delicate fingers and tugged her towards the stairway. "Let's go get you out of this dress."


End file.
